I am sitting in the judge's enclosure of the Myer marquee, one of nine judges of the Womens Classic Racewear category of Fashions on the Field at today's Melbourne Cup. Somewhat awkwardly perhaps, seated right next to Vogue supremo Kirstie Clements, whose Derby Day outfit I slagged off yesterday. Oops.
A lovely group of ladies have just paraded their Cup Day outfits in front of us. And what a varied array of wares.
I had been told that the Disco Divas had been discouraged from competition this year, in a bid to lift dress standards at the track, but two such Divas appear to have escaped Myer's scrutiny.
One is wearing a wisp of a turquoise handkerchief-hemmed cocktail frock whose underslip is located directly beneath her derriere. With today's gusty winds, in other words, said derriere is getting a frequent airing on the podium.
Speaking of gusty winds I meanwhile was foolish enough to wear not one but two cocktail hats, one perched somewhat precariously on top of the other, tied only with a black ribbon.
I was going for a kind of Toulouse Lautrec-meets-Elton John look. One hat is covered with orange feathers and lends a wig-like effect, with the end result that most of my peers don't seem to recognise me. I have just been mistaken for Belinda Seper by one.
Having failed to take the wind factor into consideration however I am at considerable, imminent risk of suffering a millinery emergency. If the upper hat suddenly plops off into the lap of Kirstie Clements, I imagine it would be poetic justice.
Up on the podium Seven's broadcast co-commentator Alex Perry has just invented a new millinery term: the Fat. It is designed to describe a hybrid between a fascinator and a hat.
Off the microphone in between heats a bit earlier on, Perry made another salient observation:
"The Seppelt Salinger is flowing freely" quipped Perry.
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